It’s Not JUST hair

March 15, 2019

*** Long post ahead ***

Someone else said it first

I finally found a blog post that speaks truth. Check it out here. Meagan is currently battling Hodgkins Lymphoma. I read her story recently on the “Love What Matters” Blog and started following her journey. She surprises me with her honestly and unfiltered truth. Finally, someone is out there talking about the things that no one really talks about!

Today

Today was the day. Goodbye hair.

Last night, I washed my hair for the last time. Well, at least the last time for a while. I lingered a little longer than normal soaking in the smell of my favorite shampoo and conditioner. I let the warm water beat down on my head a little longer than necessary. I gently pulled the clumps away. I cried.

“It’s just hair. It will grow back.” I’ve heard and read this over a half dozen times this last month. And, you’re right! But also, your not. You see hair is more than just “hair.” Hair is part of who we are. It’s our personality. It’s how we express ourselves. It’s a creative outlet. Hair is not just hair.

I’ve seen a lot of memes and quotes about women changing their hair and how it signifies big changes taking place in their lives. I completely agree. Every time I’ve made big changes to my hair, something major has taken place. Rebellion, grief, success, weddings, babies…

The difference between those changes and this one, is that previously the choice had always been mine. Chemotherapy strips that choice right from your fingertips. I didn’t have a choice. Regardless of if I chose to shave it off or let it fall out, I was going to end up bald.

As I sit her in all my bald glory, I am having a hard time finding the words to express my raw emotions. You see, I still got to choose! I got to hold my beautiful daughter while my amazing husband did the unthinkable. Buzzzzzzzz. I can’t even imagine how he felt. But for me, I was completely overcome with gratitude. I’m so thankful that I did not have to stand in front of a mirror by myself and shave my head. I’m thankful that my husband still kissed me and called me beautiful. I’m thankful that my baby girl loved rubbing my stubble and kissing her Mama’s head. I’m thankful that Nakita could be here to capture what I’m sure are beautiful moments during a not so beautiful time. However, I am still struggling with the vanity. Im struggling with pride and vanity and identity. I’m hurting somewhere deep in my soul. I’m calling out for peace.

And then, the next moment, I’m channeling my inner Demi and saying “Take that Cancer! I’m still me. I am the daughter of The King. I am a badass. Stand up eight!”

So, hair. See ya on the flip side. (Pun totally intended.)

Prepping for Home

I’ll be meeting with my doctors, care manager, social worker, home care team, gynecology doctors, and more on Monday. We’re getting everything ready for surgery Tuesday and (possible) discharge! There are a few things that have to happen before I can be released, so I’ll be giving specific prayer request below.

Going home is something that I’m really looking forward to. You guys. I’m so ready! But. Yes, I said but. I’m scared. I’m scared of all of the unknowns. I’m scared of germs. I’m scared of who I will be now. I’m scared of what “normal” will look like. I’m scared of being a mom again. I’m scared of being a wife. I’m scared of visitors. I’m scared of my fur-kids. Im scared of the home-maker duties. As much as I am looking forward to all of these things, I’m totally scared of them.

Fear is a liar. We’ve talked about this. I’m trying so hard to stand firm and believe that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I’m trying to standing firm and believe that He will make a way. I know, He has plans for good. The broken human side of me is screaming “help thou mine unbelief” just like the father in Mark Chapter 9.

TMI Update

Breast issues have resolved, dare I say 100%! All thanks to you praying for your friend’s breast every day. (The humor in this makes me smile.) Thank you!

I still have not started my cycle, but after speaking with the gynecologist I’m comfortable with where we are. From stress, medications, and blood work, it’s not unheard of for a cycle to not appear.

Prayer Request

• In order to go home my germ fighting blood counts have to be at 200 minimum. We are at 130 today. Pleas pray that my counts rise consistently over the next three days and exceed the minimum so there are no delays for going home.
• Please pray for peace in my soul. True, from Christ, peace.
• Pray that I can get a totally rad wig! Did you know you’d pray about a wig in your lifetime? Ha!
• Pray that my paperwork for being off work gets updated without delays and there are no complications from the leave of absence folks.
• Please pray for all of my medical care team. They are working so hard for not only me, but for every one of their patients. They are constantly learning and growing and being tested. Pray that if they don’t know Jesus, they will come to know Him.
• Pray for my pillar of strength, Mike. That man will never cease to amaze me. God hand picked him for me!
• Pray for my sweet Ryan Lee. She is about to go through yet another big transition.
• Pray for my village! Three of my favorite girls are holding down the homestead in my absence. Without them, I don’t know how we would survive.
• Pray that once I am home, my symptoms remain mild and manageable without a lot of interventions.
• Please pray that my future chemotherapy drugs are tolerated well, with equally mild symptoms as the first medications I’ve received.
• Pray that when I say goodbye to these daily high dose steroids that the symptoms rapidly cease.
• With being discharged, there’s been a lot of talk about birth control plans. I’ve mentioned previously that birth control is not my favorite thing. However, there are benefits to considering a long term option. Please pray that God will provide clarity and peace for any upcoming decisions that Mike and I will be making related to birth control.
• Please please please pray for surgery on Tuesday. I will be having another double bone marrow biopsy, and lumbar puncture with chemotherapy drug administration into my spinal fluid. We want the results from the bone marrow and spinal fluid to be ZERO PERCENT CANCEROUS CELLS! This is huge!

Thank you a million billion times.

~ Elizabeth

PS – Baldy Mama/Family picture will be posted on Instagram and Facebook later tonight!