The baby is at home with Nicole. I came to the hospital alone to be with my wife. Last night was hard for her, we tested coming off of the pain pump to see what coming home would look. Agony and tears is the result but it was no failure. I’m glad it was an in hospital test though. I hate that I can’t fix it or that I can’t just take it away.
Her White Blood Count is in the same area as yesterday at 21k which is frustrating because we need it lower. This week has been rough with the WBC raising 3-7k every day. It’s scary how fast her cancer takes over.
As I lay next to her with the sound of the pumps and the lights flashing, I can’t imagine how she feels. She’s taking in every second that she’s with her daughter even if it puts her in pain. She won’t press that button until we leave. She fights to be awake but hates how being awake makes her body feel. She cries alone to protect the ones she loves from being in emotional pain. She still protects as she lays wounded.
The plans that the teams have tried have not been successful for 2 years (not a jab at the teams, they truly know what they are doing and have been a blessing to my family). We are running out of options and time. Hope is running thin yet human nature won’t let go. Facing reality is a different kind of pain that feels haunting at times but holding onto that hope softens the pain temporarily.
I’m terrified everyday since December 23rd, the day I truly understood. When you have half of yourself wounded and drifting away, you become unbalanced and fear days ahead. Let’s be honest, the Michael half doesn’t even know how to order grub hub and can’t even Facebook right.
I lay here not wanting to be alone or wanting to continue this journey, yet I have too. Half of my wife is our daughter and I promised my wife I wouldn’t turn cold to our daughter. I also have to teach my daughter how powerful her mother IS and how as a private person, sometimes to become transparent for everyone to see your triumphs and scars to give people comfort and strength.
Today we start a 14 day journey to get to a trial that has data within the lab and mice. Unfortunately it has no data with human subjects yet. This journey is very much unknown and fragile. As time moves slowly against a rapid disease, our goals change once again. Our new goal is to make it to this trial. This may sound easy but it’s far from it. Hopefully the trial will be able to give us our 2nd biggest goal, Elizabeth’s and Ryan’s birthday. Any more time after that are more blessings counted.
I’m trying to fill in for Elizabeth due to her being in pain and exhausted. Hopefully I am giving everyone an update and I will continue to try to be transparent like my beautiful wife.
PS: All cancers suck.
Let There be Fight 
Michael, you are doing a fabulous job supporting your wife and child first and foremost…which is exactly what you need to focus on. All your family and friends truly appreciate the updates and I know they are faithfully praying for healing and time for Elizabeth. Please know all you need to do is post any need you may have no matter how big or small and we wait for the opportunity to help and assist you. Elizabeth has been a blessing demonstrating unending faith and perseverance during life’s journey through good times and difficult times. Not “bad” times because the love she has shown so many inspires us to be better people and has taught us to live by faith. Give her lots of hugs and kisses from all of us who cannot physically be near her without putting her at risk and make sure she knows how loved she truly is. God bless you and keep you all safe and we’ll pray that not only does she get the opportunity to take part in this new trial but that it will be the one that will knock cancer on it’s behind and put her into remission.
Michael,
You are a wonderful man, husband and father. You do a great job even though it has to be beyond hard, terrifying even. I am so thankful that my daughter found you to love, protect and comfort y’all’s family.
Always know that I am here to support you in all the decisions that you guys make, today, tomorrow and all the days after.
Love and prayers for strength and comfort.
Lavonne
Thank you for sharing Michael. Know that you are surrounded by so much love. I will be thinking about Liz and keeping her in my prayers.
Nikita
http://www.nikitagrossphotography.com
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Brother, please call me any time of day if you need to talk. You have all been and are in my prayers and thoughts. Blessings,Scott Feist513-254-6445
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
Michael,
Our hearts are breaking for your family. Ruth and I echo the comments of Stephanie T. and Lavonne. We only wish there was something we could do to make it all better. Just know that your dear Elizabeth and you and Ryan are in our thoughts and prayers constantly. Please know that we are here for you to help in any way that we possibly can. Highland Hills is here to minister to you in any capacity that you need also. You are a wonderful husband and father and we pray for continued strength for you to carry on. Elizabeth has been a beacon for you to inspire you through her faith and determination. We have all been inspired by her and received blessings by knowing her. Prayers for a breakthrough in a new trial. Love and hugs,
Don and Ruth Owsley
Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the update and sharing your heart. My heart breaks for your family, but I know it’s nothing compared to what you’re feeling. Please know we are praying daily for healing.
Yes, cancer sucks. I admire you for so ably and honestly articulating your situation. Thank you. Sharing teaches everyone how to deal with suffering. Here’s hoping for success with the trial. We are only a few doors away and willing to help in any way.
Continued prayers for you, Elizabeth and Ryan in all areas that you need Michael. Praying that God meets your every need through this journey that you all are on. Thank you for keeping us in the loop and don’t hesitate to reach out to us with any needs you all might have. You are amazing and soooo loved by all. You all are an inspiration!
Michael, I am so glad Elizabeth and Ryan have you. Not all men do what you have done and I pray for all of you. Always in my heart. God, please ease izabeths pain, allow her to be in this trial , see Ryan on her birthday and share valuable memories with Michael and Ryan. You are the great healer and we trust in your mighty works. in Jrsus name AmenLove you all
Karen