Obi-Wan Kenobi

When we arrived back from Texas, we were told that without treatment, my life expectancy would be “weeks.” What a horrible way to return home after being on such a hopeful venture. A venture that you put all of your hopes and prayers into. A venture that seemed somewhat hopeful, even if only 50/50.

However, my pain was so severe upon our return, that I required an abundance of narcotics. These narcotics made me lose over 36 hours of my life. I literally have no recollection of those hours. I don’t even clearly remember the flight home! (Due to pain and medications.)!

“Waking up” (36+ hours after coming home) to find out that you likely won’t make it to your next birthday is heartbreaking. But, having to have your husband tell you this, and watch his eyes overflow with pain and anguish, hurts your heart on a whole other level. As always, he never wavered. He shook his head in disbelief that I missed that much of my life, and he gracefully held my hand, head, and heart, as he told me that these may be our final days. Final. Days. Days y’all. How do you express that to someone you love so deeply your heart aches every time they flinch in pain?

If you know how hard a person can pray, you may know, that it hurts to pray this hard. Have you ever had a panic attack? Where you feel like you’re having a heartache? Your heart is racing, pounding, there is a stabbing pain in the center of your chest, you can’t breathe, you just know you are going to pass out… While I’m not certain how he feels, I know the pain I feel when I pray for him, for Ryan, for their future, for my future… it hurts. A pain I can only describe as having felt when having a full blown panic attack. I am back on steroids for a few days/weeks, and they make me a little… emotional. (Right Michael?) I made the mistake of asking him how he’s going to do this alone. He replied with the most brutally honest thing… “I don’t know.” I was crushed. He has become more open in the past few months and I’m appreciative of the openness and honesty. But this shook me. His most recent blog post…

While the grim results are still accurate, I wanted to provide a slight update. They’ve managed to get me to a place where I’m managing my pain without a PCA, and it looks like, with mighty prayers, I’ll be able to make it to our birthdays. Praise God! However, I don’t want this goodness to be overshadowed by a still all too grim reality of this situation. We are just waiting to get to our birthdays and possibly get into a trial at UC.

The trial was supposed to open yesterday. (I’ve neither confirmed nor denied at this time.) This trial is a very much a stage one trail. As in, the first time humans are being included. Meaning our goal is palliative and not necessarily curative. You know, no change to where we were upon returning from Texas. BUT at least hopeful that I’ll get to complete some legacy projects, celebrate our birthdays, and buy a few more days with one another.

This week we are finalizing the purchase of our couples plot at one of our local cemeteries. It’s under a big beautiful tree at the corner where three paths meet. It will be at the end of the row, and is near Michael’s Grandparents’ resting place. I think it will be absolutely beautiful during spring and summer months. And hope it gives Ryan and Michael a place to rest and find fond memories to cherish.

So, while yes there’s a bit of hope, the harsh reality is still looming. I’m dying. There is little to no hope in a successful curative treatment at this time, but I’m not ready to go home just yet. Please pray for all of the things you think you would want prayed over you and for you during a similar time. I’m sure you’ll hit the mail on the head with how I would like to be prayed.

It’s taken me three or four days to write this post. Mainly because, how do you come off Michael’s post without taking away from the beauty and reality that he expressed so well? And well… you can’t. He speaks with raw emotion and I feel blessed to have him as my husband. So blessed. And truthfully, I’m sorry he has me as his wife. I feel guilty, even though I know there’s no way I made this happen. I feel shame… like I didn’t try hard enough. I feel.

Fun fact… The study at UC is called OB1-3424. Which I now lovingly refer to Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I’ll leave you Jedi Masters with my usual. Thank you. You are wonderful to my family and I. We have been blessed beyond measure through each of you, and I pray you come to know Jesus if you haven’t already.

~Elizabeth~