Often I find myself at a loss lately. My thoughts are scattered and I have a constant urge to live in the past. Of course I do, I want my celebrations back, my holidays, and really I just want my wife back. There will never be another “normal” holiday or celebration anymore. I am blessed that I was able to celebrate a few years with the glimpse of perfection but that also makes the current time lonely and unfulfilling.
I do try and keep up with traditions that Elizabeth and I created to share with Ryan. The desire is there but the action is a deep pain when firsts are missing a connection. Ryan is really starting to get into Christmas and the holidays which is great to see her face glow with excitement and mystery. She knows Santa brings one present for her and daddy buys the rest. She likes to pick things out for other people and really wants them to have the same excitement as she does. She’s ready to party on Christmas and I’m just a rock that is to emotionally heavy to roll. I know Elizabeth is watching over us and smiling but I can’t physically see it. That’s all I want for a lifetime and I pray every night that it might be possible.
I’ve been working with a shattered mirror of thoughts but give Ryan my main energy and focus. We got our live tree, we saw tons of lights at different events and I bought matching Christmas PJs. We rode a train and met Santa and still do our 25 days of pictures. I’m trying to keep it interesting and special for Ryan but I know I don’t have that special Elizabeth touch. I’m still learning and trying to rewrite my simple brain especially with raising a daughter in my situation.
Holidays are going to hurt, they don’t necessarily hurt worse than any other day but holidays remind you of certain things that are now a memory. I lost my ability to hear my wife sing Christmas carols to Ryan. Now Ryan has to hear my terrible singing. I lost the yearly New Years kiss that I would photograph every year. Luckily last year we kissed Ryan and now she will be the one to bring in the new year with me.
My future goals are to revive and continue moments with creativity and documentation like Elizabeth has shown me. I can’t say that I will be as good as she is but I’m trying to put into practice what she has taught me. One day I will see my wife again and I want her to be proud of me as well as our daughter.
Let There be Fight 
Mike – May God bless you and Ryan and give you both the peace that passes all understanding during this celebration of our Savior’s birth.
Mike anyone who has been long on this ride with you knows this hasn’t been easy for you. You are doing an amazing job being the best dad you can be. There are always going to good days and bad days but you know as well as I that Elizabeth, with God, left you with some pretty amazing people in your life to help you through whatever life throws at you. You do a wonderful job at honoring Elizabeth. Merry Christmas to you and Ryan and just remember when Ryan smiles you can see her mothers smile. Love you guys.