It has taken me a long time to write an updated blog post. Days are constantly mixing together and weeks are going to fast. So much has happened in my daughter’s life and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down.
Last year Ryan started soccer and T-ball, we went on our first vacation together to Florida, and she started taking music lessons. She is loving school and really showing her personality. She had her first music recital and showing that she enjoys being on stage. She held my hand through her mommy and daddy’s anniversary and through Christmas.
As I watch her grow so rapidly, I know her mother is so proud of what she’s becoming. Their personalities are so similar and I love every minute of it. From busting out in a crazy dance to yelling, “Daddy, come wipe my booty.” From her affectionate heart to her strong leadership. She is my blessing in a little package.
Even as I watch her flourish, I still have the glooming cloud of failure that rains over me. The failure of not being good enough to give Ryan all the possibilities the world has to offer. The failure to give Ryan the love that her mother provides. The failure of letting my wife down. I still feel like I let my wife down and didn’t do enough. I don’t want the same feeling with Ryan. I feel like I fail Ryan even when I try to keep a smile on her face. She deserves that smile because she has already lost so much and doesn’t even know it. A woman that means everything to me can’t sit next to her amazing daughter. I still feel like I failed that woman… my wife. “I should have done more.” “I missed so much.”
I’m trying to give Ryan a good life although I never think it’s enough. I’m not as creative and artistic as my wife. I don’t plan as well and think of new experiences. I’m trying to be more like Elizabeth but I feel like I come up so short. I can see the good I tried to do but… it’s still not what she could have had.
Ryan turns 5 tomorrow along with Elizabeth’s 39th birthday. The next few weeks will be rough but Ryan will help her dad through it. Hopefully within the next month I will have a big surprise that I’ve been waiting over a year for. I want to see my wife smile about it.
Let There be Fight 
Love you both! Praying for you!
Michael, that beautiful wife has always been so proud of u!!! U were always and will always be perfect in her eyes… every time Liz came to Florida she always bragged as how amazing and perfect u were in her imperfect world!!! Yes Ryan is missing part of the “mother” love with Liz not being here daily in person but she’s doing an amazing job at guiding u and Ryan from above… You deserve to give ur self a break n a huge pat on the back as u have done an amazing job through it all… u walked every step u could with Liz through her journey and she praised you for it daily she felt like a failure knowing there was that chance she was going to leave u behind with the perfect little girl yall share… that baby loves u just as much as her mother does u were and always will be the light in Elizabeth’s world and eyes just as u will and are in Ryan’s… I know it’s not easy doing this thing called life without lizzy physically here next to u but she’s with you everyday and is so so so proud of u Michael… I know it’s easier said than done but give ur self some extra credit bcuz ur doing an amazing job at this!!! NOT MANY MEN CAN WALK A SINGLE STEP IN THE SHOES YOU WALK IN DAILY REMEMBER THAT!!!! We all love u so much for being the loving friend, father, husband, man, n everything in between…
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty in communicating what this journey has been like. I’m sure most people would feel the same way- like they let the other person down. I know I would. But that doesn’t make it true. Elizabeth only ever had love and admiration for you, and she even told me that you amazed her with how great of a husband you were/are… I think she was in awe of you and how well you loved her. Take the grace that she and the Lord and everyone extends to you- you don’t have to be perfect or even close to it to be just the father Ryan needs. I pray for you and Ryan often. The Lord bless you and keep you. ❤️
Mike I’m so sorry that I’m late in responding to you. You are doing everything right for Ryan. She is so very lucky to have you as a dad. Please never doubt that you are not enough for her. She is so very fortunate to have a dad that loves her and cares for her as much as you do. What you do for her, the smiles and hugs and the kisses that you give her daily is a small part of what she’s seeing as she’s growing up. The time you spend with her and listen to her and care about her day and how it went is more than you’ll ever understand but never ever doubt that you are not enough ❤️😊👍